I’m the HR manager, and I report to the company president. I’ve already talked to him about the Friday 4 p.m. happy hours he hosts in the office. I told him I don’t think it’s appropriate and that it could create real liability issues — especially if someone leaves the parking lot impaired. He basically brushed me off and kept doing it. Then, this past Friday, we had a company tailgate on the production floor at 11:30 a.m., and he brought … non-alcoholic beer.

So now I’m wondering — am I overreacting here, or is this still a problem? He didn’t hold the happy hour, so maybe he’ll stop drinking altogether? This isn’t the only issue. He tends to undermine me, leaves me out of important meetings and generally doesn’t seem interested in anything I have to say. I like my job, but I’m really struggling with him as a boss — and I’ve started looking for other opportunities. Am I making too big a deal out of this, or would it bother you too?

I am a 100-percent non-drinker who thinks all beer — alcoholic and non-alcoholic — smells like rotten lawn clippings, so I cannot understand why anyone would want either one of those at a party.

And still, I say, firmly, “Yes, you are overreacting.” But only about the non-alcoholic beer. The rest is a huge problem.

Yes, he listened to you and brought in non-alcoholic beer. Now these often have a teeny-tiny amount of alcohol, about one-tenth the amount of normal beer, but so do ripe bananas, and no one would freak out about bananas at a work party.

But the tailgate party at work isn’t the issue any more than the amount of alcohol in the fruit salad that has been sitting in the breakroom fridge. It’s that your boss leaves you out of important decision-making processes. And when he acquiesces just a little bit, it still leaves you feeling frustrated rather than heard.

This is a relationship problem, not a beverage problem.

The non-alcoholic beer may feel like a pointed signal of disregard for you, and it feels like he’s telling people, “Hey, everyone, we could have real beer if the mean HR lady would let us, but she won’t, so we’ll have to settle for this.” But he has plausible deniability here: “Well, I did exactly what you said!” And maybe he did just that.

A much better solution (and probably one people would have liked) would be an assortment of sodas and other non-alcoholic drinks. Diet Coke and Fanta all around, with Heineken 0.0 for those who like it!

You’ve already started looking for a new job, and that’s good. You are unhappy in this job, and so there’s no reason to stay stuck. I wish you well in your job hunt.

But it’s also time for some introspection that will help you in your next job. You’ve let him get under your skin, and you’ve clearly gotten under his. I don’t want you to make the same mistake twice.

Why was I upset about the non-alcoholic beer?

What would have happened if you had said, “Wow, thanks, boss! I’m so happy with this! It really protects the company to keep alcohol out of parties.” He did what you wanted, but not in the way you wanted, and that’s something you need to work through.

One of the most ridiculous things in the world is couples who argue about how to load a dishwasher. Just get it loaded and run it. If the dishes come out clean, then great! If they didn’t, then you know the method used was the wrong one. There is literally no reason to argue until you’ve tried running the dishwasher!

Ask potential bosses about key decisions

Some companies see HR leadership as a key member of the executive team. Others think you’re the equivalent of an HOA president — always pointing out problems that don’t make anything better. So ask about the scope of the role and (if possible) reach out to the person who had this role before you.

What things do I say that others ignore?

Did the company president always ignore you, or did this problem worsen over time? If you walked in on your first day and started listing the compliance issues, it would put everyone on the defensive. Yes, your job is to fix those problems, but you cannot fix anything if people don’t trust you. Build relationships first and then fix problems.

What to do while you’re job searching

New jobs aren’t instantaneous, so I’d walk into the boss’s office and say, “Hey, thanks for the alcohol-free beer. Can we call a truce on the happy hour issue? I want to make this business better, so what would you like me to focus on?” Then focus on that, document the rest, and let everything else go unless it’s critical. It will reduce stress for everyone.

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